Deep fried brain
Background
When I'm at work I frequently have a distinctly deep fried feeling in my brain after a few hours (think bored, but it's similar to that in the same way as being tired after a run is similar to how you feel when you have a bad flu).
Over the years I've spent a significant amount of time feeling bad about feeling this way. But it's not because of something I do - I don't feel this way because I sleep too little, I've eaten the wrong things or anything else that I could or should have done.
Why do I think this
Every once in a while I've had a vacation. On those vacations I eat roughly the same things as I do when I'm working and I think I probably sleep a little worse. What secondary factors could influence me I've tried to vary a little: Be in a different place, interact with other people, eat more french fries.
No matter what, I feel good during my holiday and for a short time once it's over. Then my work seeps into my pores again.
What is it?
I get super stressed more or less constantly about all sorts of things I feel responsible for that don't end up going how I'd like it to go (or how I know other people would like them to go). Put a little less charitably, everything has gone to shit and I don't like it.
Well-meaning advice
Over time I've received a big pile of well-meaning advice about what I need to do to freak out less.
Sleep more
I think everyone that knows me for even a pretty short amount of time knows I have trouble sleeping on time. There's a lot of things that play into that, part of them within my sphere of influence (don't ruminate in bed, don't eat late) and part of them outside of my sphere of influence (a seasonal component leads me to sleep on average 5h to 9h. I've graphed it, there is a clear trend).
What I can do I've done, and it does not help. It's not good for a person to sleep way too little, but it influences my functioning and my feelings in a different way than being extremely stressed does.
Calm down
If you experience emotions in a public way or you are a woman, you've probably had some human being making questionable life choices explain to you to:
- get therapy
- "just try mindfulness"
- an offshoot that is a lot less problematic is "try meditation"
- try some herb
- get medication
I've done all of those. Meditation obviously does work, but not if you want me to hear you when you speak. The point of it is that I don't engage with those impulses that lead me to stray from my center. If you're giving me this advice, you are part of the problem.
Therapy works, herbs work (but not well, except if they're addictive or debilitating), medication works to make your life better but not to make it less fundamentally upsetting.
You won't be able to get a day over 18 without having all of those offered to you at least once. I think a lot of folks do at least try them (except for therapy, it's hard to access) and find out that there is no panacea, because you're just you. It's bad advice unless you found someone that was raised by wolves.
Just care a little less
I don't know. It probably does work, but if this was an option I would have done it.
Now what
Where to go from here? I have no idea, but I think it is comforting to recognise some things are upsetting because they suck. There is value in being able to live through them, just as there is value in not being able to like them. It is okay to be upset about some things, it is what makes you human.